Please Be Patient With Me: Yet Another Phase

My easy slogans are: Stay strong, be proud, and tell yourself that you are very proactive. These have been my words since I was 10 years old. In our lives today, human powers are often tested by the things we know and see, and the things so unknown and unforeseen at same time. But according to my beloved poet,

”We`re extremely fortunate not to know precisely the kind of world we live in ‘because if so, one would have to live a long, long time, unquestionably longer than the world itself’” (Wistawa  Szymborska) .

Sometimes we wish we knew everything, including when we are about to be subdued. The last thing in the world now that I want to claim is ignorance. Unfortunately I cannot claim to be so ignorant because I have passed that stage. Right now my goal is to create awareness based on what I know that works too.  Everything that I have not expressed in my work is probably my area of vulnerabilities.

Decency is an attitude that has been there for me.  I never believed in shortcuts and cannot promise that to anyone.  I always have great conviction about things I strongly believe in. I believe in God and I truly love philosophy, poetry, and literature. Inasmuch as some people may disagree with me, everything I mention deals with reality, which includes me. I am reality; you can create a show out of me.

Adding to that, most convictions we have in life are also mostly from experience. Experience is everything. I can tell you everything that I have experienced in my life if it is going to help anyone. In reality, one`s belief system is another thing. If you grow up without any morals or discipline whatsoever, you may have a hard time accepting rejection and acceptance, which is part of human nature.

The first time I faced rejection was in college back in 1999 in a literature honor’s class; nobody could understand my accent. Reading literature was also a struggle because nobody wanted to hear me explain literature with a poor accent either. It was a scary moment that I had never experienced before because I had just migrated from a different country and had no idea I had an accent then, but because of the conviction and the knowledge I had about literature, I was able to write it down, coupled with my poor writing. Yet, I still found a way to explain what I meant.

I also noticed that some people in a similar situation as I was then dropped out and disappeared, but I kept my cool and asked how I could get better.  Recently I have faced a lot of struggles. I struggle in the fact that I am not vulnerable based on all the things I know, all the things I believe in and the great integrity I always carry as a weapon.

Recently too, I have also struggled with my pursuit to no ending happiness which is a fuss because you do not pursue happiness; instead, do things that will bring your own happiness. But I also realize that I am so different. I cannot be flashy even if I want to. I cannot be very rich; probably I will have heart attack. I cannot fly off the roof top or similar things like that because that is not just me.  I also realize that I will be more useful to the children I will be helping, than becoming a rich billionaire.

If I happen to be rich in the process, well so be it. If not, I will continue to work in my unshakable belief. Why do you have to suffer yourself? Someone may wonder, “How do you move on in life that probably a lot of people will not understand?? If you know me very well, you should know that what makes me happy is entirely nothing you might think.  It is not for anyone to know either, but life is a movement.

It is a journey only one can explain herself. I have also love and respect for everyone who has tried to save me in one way or the other. The problem is not you, but my integrity is worth more to me than anything. It is one thing to be an inspiration to someone when he or she cannot trust a word you say. I have worked so hard to get here; therefore, it will be so hard to lose my integrity.

In life, we often say yes to a lot of things even when we have no clue of all the details. I am very guilty of that. God forgive me because I am getting too anxious to move in a quicker direction. Recently, I have also created uneasiness for myself in trying to work with what I do not have. But I have made a switch to go back and use what I have, which is my creation. To uphold the truth, my dignity, my honesty, and my right attitude, I do not want to stretch myself any longer or I will break down. I still have four young girls that their world may tear apart if I break down now. You learn as you go.

Here are ways you can preserve your integrity as writer:

1 As a writer, what you experience, you cannot avoid. You cannot write about what you do not know or have never experienced. Secondly you cannot convince anyone if you do not have conviction yourself.

2 As a writer, creations are what you make ,that may or may not make sense to an outsider. Creation comes from vision. It comes from the heart, It also comes from feelings too. If you are able to create your own words, nobody can uncreate them. Fight the hard battle with all your strength. From a quote I heard recently, “A person of value believes, waits, and stands on the value of his or her own belief” (Pastor Timothy J. Gustaf son).

3 As a writer, your attitude is more important than all the money you can make. Be careful how you respond to things that may or may not be fair to you. And remember, life is a journey which can only take you wherever you want.

I will continue to work in the areas that I am deficit. I am not perfect now, but you can teach me anything. Have patience with me. I may never be a tech expert, but you can count on my words. They are real, and reality is real. I will continue to focus on my writing and ways to improve. Thank you so much. I have totally embrace everyone`s concerns during my week-long absence. Thank you all.Remember if you do not ask me any questions, none of this may make sense. This is my own inner battle; it may not affect anyone. During next week, you will hear all the details of what we will be doing here. I am going to need help in achieving this. Thank you for paying attention.

Big bear

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2 Responses

  1. It sounds like you have been doing a lot of soul searching… But it also sounds like you have come out with some answers… Take care Diane

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