The Story behind “The Lamentation Dirge”
My handwriting deserves attention; if not, what else does? It is very painful to watch when I start to write on a piece of paper. I guess you are reading words clear and perfectly now, but you may not get the opportunity to see me write live. I know you won’t.
Most people like me are very happy for whoever invented the typewriter. Somehow too you wished someone can also invent our words and put it on a paper, so that we do not have to write ever again. Even everyone’s address Check, Our height, and weight Check, general information check. Then I will not have to write again. So glad we can type our words, if not you could have ask me over and over again. what did you write?. I never taught it will bother me as much as I have experienced it in my middle age.
I found out in my high school back in Africa that I had a major problem with my writing. During my school days, helping was one thing I love to do for example, I will stay up all night reading my literature so that I can help explain it to those who are struggling with language since English was our second language. I will also practice my math’s over and over even though I wasn`t good at it just to help people. I love the idea of helping naturally I was born that way.
Behind all these, yet my hand writing was giving me sleepless night. My dad became my biggest critic as he was trying to help me but still my handwriting was a disaster,
In boarding school then, we had no computer but the only way I could communicate with my dad was through letters. On several occasions he will expressed his frustrations about my writing. Even when I read them myself it will make no sense. Often times I will rewrite my letters several times yet the writing will be sloppy, mushy and very hard to read. In my life, I have spent more times rewriting words than I have ever done with my thoughts.
I have faced too many problems with my writing that I couldn`t count them anymore for example, during a national exam. I found out that nobody could read my handwriting and I will not be invited to come and explain the essays I wrote Why ? because those exams markers does not have time to go from door to door looking for each individual to come and correct their mistakes. I missed a lot of opportunities to pass the most important exams in my life because of my sloppy writing. You may not experience this, but we can write about ten pages of an essay in exam. Most times I know what to write but I always have a mental flashback of how my poor writing has failed me in the past which was not a good feeling. It was like a stream of water flowing especially when I get nervous.
When I am nervous, it brings more sweat than usual, triple sweat, agonizing sweat that could not stop. I often let my paper write itself because I could not stand it anymore. I will still give it a hundred percent in the beginning of every exam but towards the middle of the exam, I have already assumed nobody can read it and start scribbling again. It use to draw emotional set back because I know that If I cannot read my own writing who else can. My dad had always told me that I was gifted in everything but failed miserably in my hand writing.
In 1997 When I came here from Africa, I was introduce to computers thank good ness .yet I was also introduced to the most amazing writings in the world. With computers you will think it will not matter right? So I thought too. Yet I often spent hours practicing how to write but to no avail. I wanted to become a teacher and I kept asking myself “how can you be a teacher when you cannot write on the board. Well I did something different than most people would do. Instead of hating I turn it to love.
I love all the school teachers both blue, yellow, white, Black, purple every one of them (not only because they are awesome). Because they can do what I cannot do write on the board. I have often been looked down from people that does not even know me because of my writing.To make it worse, when I write people think I am still in 5th grade, I have lived with it all my life. But instead of hate, I turned into love. One thing I noticed about my husband was his wonderful writing; I not only fell in love with him I fell also for his writing. Most times I had to wait for him to come back and help me to complete any kind of form.
Now here is the problem last month, I was to evaluate an important speech in my Toastmaster, as an evaluator you are expected to write and comment on an important paper. Initially I was not sure if writing matters Ok. Oh yes No! Until I saw my evaluator wrote clearly on my paper. It became obvious that this is one problem that I cannot run away from.
It has come to stay. A disease that its medicine has not yet been discovered; yet it does not kill anyone. I also realize that because it does not have a cure at the end probably, that is why school teachers mostly stressed on the importance of writing neatly. It is important and I now get it. Toastmaster made it relevant again.” But I realized it is the most important part of public speaking if not the most. I felt sick in my stomach knowing that my writing will betray me again. I have been on countless pain after explanation after explanations why I have a poor writing”. But I am not the one that make excuses .if not I still would have blame it on not having a mother to check my homework when I was growing up like I do to my children now. That was huge .Perfect excuse of “course” if your mother was nowhere when you are only 6yrs old you bet a lot of things will go wrong whether it is by design or by accidents. But I do not dwell on such a flimsy excuse. Just get over it.
Now I have accepted it, I finally have my husband with a good writing, coincidentally; short people will be looking for tall men if that is what I am thinking. Dull men will marry smart lady. Ugly man will go for a pretty woman. Sick man will look for what he was missing in a healthy woman. A girl from a broken home will look for men from a well-grounded home. Do not tell me this is what I am thinking, “Opposite attracts” or something like it. Have you had a similar situation like me or am I alone? But remember according to Mariam BA in So long A letter and I quote” A woman must marry the man who loves her but never the ones she loves , that is the secret of lasting Happiness” In the end you can deal with reality anyhow it fits your pocket. Do not stress about your deficits rather deal and manage them in any way you could. How do you deal with deficits in your part?