DP Challenge – Erasure – Unanswered Questions – Part 2

Prompt:  You have the choice to erase one incident from your past, as though it never happened. What would you erase and why?

Unanswered Questions: Whatever Happened To Logical Reasoning?

This is the most difficult question  that I have been asked my whole life probably  because it brought back the pain, the agonies, the shame I have had to endure for the past 2 years and has continued unabated, unending—probably the guilt I will live with for the rest of my life. It is a horrible feeling; you would not want to share any part of this with me.

Yesterday was one of those days that I was humbled once again. At first it was when I lost my father; I was thinking what I could or should have done better.  Right at that moment yet again, I could not say a word. I can claim that it was the first time I knew that I was learning. I could have answered the question before I knew what the question was, but instead I came to a sudden realization that brought me to tears, just when I realized that my life will never be the same again.

Because there is always a constant reminder about all these nightmares I am having, I have so many uncontrollable tears that I cannot count anymore, but if I had only done the little small thing that was expected of me. “How did you abandon your dad?” anyone will ask.  And this is the one question I could not answer. And it changes everything.

At one point, I was 6 feet away from the whole crowd alone and helpless. I had never felt vulnerable like this before. I do not think they had a clue of what transpired on that stage (but me).

Toastmasters is a place where miracles can happen; you can either come alive on that stage, or you don`t. You can make or break even in that club depending on what your aspirations are.

During our table topics there was this question that was thrown at us,” What was the logical thing you had to do in your life and feel very impressive about it?

That was the question I had to struggle with; I do not think anybody could understand why I could not answer that question after all the things I have done in my life.

As a caregiver in a behavioral hospital for 7 years, I had to do things logically and felt so impressive about it. I also worked with about five patients, all terminally ill (in home hospice) during their time here on earth. We went through all the emotional stress together. I knew very well from their faces that I did everything right, what was logically right, even when most of the time it was uncomfortable and felt very impressive.

Here is what started everything. One of our members, I do not think she will want this attention; she is a philanthropist, a college professor who had helped everyone, including myself. She had gone out of her way to help people and had continued; she had done so many logical things in her life, but when the same question was thrown at her, she paused for a while, and she said that out of one and a million things that she had done in her life, the one logical thing she had done that was very impressive was how she kept a wonderful relationship with her ex-husband, and she could not trade anything for that.

In hearing that, I kept my mouth wide open. She had different wisdom from the one I had. Should I have done something differently? Of course, she is happy she did it. I questioned the same wisdom that had failed me all these years. The deadly wisdom came to me after so much damage has been done. I question a lot of things that went wrong in my life that I should have thought about logically. It is the same logical reasoning that I have tried to reason with people over the years, but not for myself.

Why is it that people who preach about forgiveness never forgive themselves or the other person? Isn’t it ironic that we say something different and do something else? , Shame on me!  “But if only my brain was there” because I had never created pain for anyone, but here I am.

Instead of answering a very simple question, I chose to say what I did not do right and was not impressed by it. I wish I knew that this question will forever hunt me. I would have done things differently.

It is healthy and good for everyone instead of our questioning who was wrong or right. Logic is defined as the ability of reasoning your choices, to examine the consequence of every available action, and then choose the best one. Shouldn’t doing something logically be a way of life for people?

For example, forgiving people, even when they have hurt us, is the right thing to do. I was sad about all the things I had an opportunity to do that I felt to do.  Everything went back to when I was a kid. I never saw eye to eye with my stepmother. It started as a joke and grew to something unimaginably ugly, sad, pathetic, and unbelievable, inhumane; you name them.

My father was almost trying everything to protect me and my sisters from her. He was a good father who probably made a few wrong choices, not many. As I was going from one house to the other, I grew apart from them, but my father kept close contact with me. He looked for me. He cared so much. At one point he asked if he should marry another wife that would take care of us, but we said, “No.” It was too late. That was my last word with him.

As years went by, we grew much wider apart until I left the country in 1997. I went far away from my father, not because of not liking him, but I hated the thought that my stepmother had replaced my mum, which was nothing new.

What I want to be erased.This is where I needed logical reasoning, but I failed seriously.  In 2002 my father had his hand severely damaged by a group of people that wanted to kill him. I had the opportunity to go home and visit my dad; at least I would have used that opportunity to make peace with his wife, which I thought was a logical thing to do since I loved my father so much, but I only distanced myself further because I did not agree with his wife. I should have known better.

Secondly my father became sick again with prostate cancer, and I was sending him money, but the thought of reconciling with the wife was so hard for me. It could have been the most logical thing to do. At least If I had forgiven her, I would have had the opportunity to see my dad.

Finally the last two years were tough because my father began to call me every day that he would want me to reconcile with the wife now that he knew he was about to die. Then I wanted my father to at least visit me here, but the thought of having his wife in my house was painful, too. But if I had done it ,which was the most logical thing to do, I wouldn’t have felt this horrible.

Finally, in 2011 I started to prepare for my dad to come and visit me here in the United States after two months  of happiness and reassurance that he would come. One morning I got a message in June 20I2 that he had passed away. It had dawned on me that after 15 years, I had not seen my dad. I woke up feeling horrible to know that I would never be free again.

“What happened to logical reasoning?” I questioned myself.

At Toastmasters I kept rumbling at the question. All I kept saying was I wished I was more diplomatic, and I do not think anybody knew what I was talking about.

Inside my car the music was singing, “I am free. I am free.” But I knew that I had lost the chance to be free. I knew I would never be free again. I wished I had told somebody what I have struggled with all my life, even those I told who never showed me how logical reasoning could have saved me. But even if they had told me, how sure would I have believed them? As I was driving, a stream of tears came rolling over me, creating a fog beneath my eyes that I could not see where I was going. It does happen quite often.

This is an unending pain, the one that has inspired my writing. The blog to get it out of my chest has killed me inside. I want the world to know what I have harbored in my heart.

It is presumably wrong to think that people will judge us less especially when the questions become who is right or wrong. Knowing what I know now, if it had come to choices, I would have chosen forgiveness over this horrible feeling that I live with every day. It would have been better to forgive than to go through this pain.

In the end I will say to people, “Please forgive and forget; live a logical life even when it is not convenient because you never know when you will have to answer that question. It is good to be rational, logical, knowledgeable, wise, and all things responsible? They all go hand in hand.. If I have one thing to erase and start all over  again this is it.  I hate to know that I cannot tell anyone how I did actually love my dad. It is sad.

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7 thoughts on “DP Challenge – Erasure – Unanswered Questions – Part 2

  1. You are holding onto these very sad thoughts that you are sorry you didn’t see your father before he died. But there were very good reasons for not doing so because of his wife not welcoming you. I’m sure your father understood and would not want you to not forgive yourself. So be good to yourself and do so… Diane

  2. It is hard to deal with my childhood. So many painful moments that I could not count. this is exactly what people who knew my history had told me. But I wished I had done something different.
    I thank you so much.

  3. Life is like that. We have our limitations as human beigns. Being human, you are fallible. The important thing is to rise after fall and become that strong compassionate woman you are, whose experience will form great source of direction for others. Cheer up.

    1. Thank you. i wish you were here.Often times life goes so fast, The people that will direct us the best may not be available or around to help us. i hope to live close to you where I am most comfortable.
      i will always love you.
      thanks for reading

    1. Thank you so much. We need more people like you. plus the vision I have here, I cannot do it alone. I need everyone`s help. Thank you for reading.

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